Wingnuts On Parade

My picks went 3-3 last week, making me 44-53 for the season. To this point, you could have made money just picking against me like George Costanza. This stinks. So I have decided to start Operation Blaze of Glory a week early.

A little degenerate exposition: teasers are parlayed bets with multiple "legs," or sub-bets. Parlays pay greater odds, but you have to win every bet to cash your ticket. The twist on teasers is that you get to adjust the pointspread on each bet.

For example, St. Louis is currently a 2.5-point favorite (-2.5) in their game against San Francisco. The most common teaser is six points, though others are available. You could use STL +3.5 or SF +8.5 as a teaser leg, since both are six points from the current line.

OK, stay with me. There are seven games which meet my standards for teasers this week. I am making five-team teasers, which pay 5-1, on every possible combination. The math for that is beyond the scope of this blog (and, indeed, my brain); but Google is your friend. There are 21 different combinations, so I am making 21 different bets that each pay 5-1.

If I make the correct spread-adjusted call on all seven games, it's Fat City. If I am wrong on one, I'll be lucky to break even. Any more than that and it's a bloodbath. It's called Operation Blaze of Glory for a reason. Below are the picks.

San Francisco +8.5 at St. Louis

New England -1.5 at Buffalo

New York Jets +7.5 at Chicago

Oakland +8.5 vs. Indianapolis

Denver +8.5 vs. Houston

San Diego -1.5 at Cincinnati

New Orleans +8.5 at Atlanta

A rare positive week of 4-2 brings my record to 41-50 for the season. I'll keep grinding for now, but I'm working on something crazy for Week 17 if I decide to go for glory.

Buffalo +6 at Miami

New Orleans +2.5 at Baltimore

Pittsburgh -4 vs. New York Jets

Denver at Oakland over 41.5 points total

Green Bay +14.5 at New England

Chicago at Minnesota under 33.5 points total

OK, now it's just funny. A 3-6 week takes me to 37-48 for the season. I just keep blasting away. Pointlessly.

Buffalo even vs. Cleveland

Atlanta -7 at Carolina

Washington +3 vs. Tampa Bay

Seattle -5 at San Francisco

New York Jets -5 vs. Miami

Baltimore at Houston over 45.5 points total

I continue to fail. A 3-5-1 mark last week lowers me further into the abyss at 34-42 for the season. On the theory that it can't get much worse, here is another load of picks to avoid.

Kansas City -8 vs. Denver, over 48 points total

Chicago -4.5 at Detroit

Green Bay -9.5 vs. San Francisco

New Orleans -6.5 at Cincinnati

San Diego -12.5 vs. Oakland

Carolina +6 at Seattle

St. Louis -3 at Arizona

New York Jets at New England over 45.5 points total